he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and
LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she
would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was
9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go
and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a
piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not
saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws"
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished
to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control
for a television
set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to
him legally."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to
repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around
here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just
wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in
the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says
.........."HEBREWS"
God may have created woman after man,
but there is always a single masterpiece without a copy of
it.
We
hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by
those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where
there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out
and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds
from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller,
richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn.
AND......................
The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they
get elected and prove it.
~P.J. O'Rourke, American comedian
I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will
stop telling the truth about them".
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left
to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to
change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924
Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)
"Politics is the
last resort of a scoundrel."
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~ Variously attributed to Will Rogers and George Bernard Shaw
A man punished his 3-year-old
daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he
became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the
Christmas tree. Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father
the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy."
The man was
embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he
found out the box was empty. He yelled at her, stating, "Don't you know,
when you give someone a present, there is supposed to be something inside? The
little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and cried, "Oh, Daddy,
it's not empty at all. I blew kisses into the box. They're all for you,
Daddy."
The father was
crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged for her
forgiveness.
Only a short
time later, an accident took the life of the child. It is also told that her
father kept that gold box by his bed for many years and, whenever he was
discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the
child who had put it there.
4 Camel can spit.
5 "Almost" is the longest word in the
English language with all the letters in
alphabetical order.
6 "Rhythm" is the longest English word
without a vowel.
7 In 1386, a pig in France was executed
by public hanging for the murder of a child
8 A cockroach can live several weeks
with its head cut off!
9 Human thigh bones are stronger than
concrete.
10 You can't kill yourself by holding
your breath
11 There is a city called Rome on every
continent.
12 It's against the law to have a pet
dog in Iceland!
13 Your heart beats over 100,000 times a
day!
14
Horatio Nelson, one of England's most
illustrious admirals was throughout his
life, never able to find a cure for his
sea-sickness.
15 The skeleton of Jeremy Bentham is
present at all important meetings of the
University of London
16 Right handed people live, on average,
nine years longer than left-handed people
17 Your ribs move about 5 million times
a year, everytime you breathe!
18 The elephant is the only mammal that
can't jump!
19 One quarter of the bones in your
body, are in your feet!
20 Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue
print is different!
21
The first known transfusion of blood was
performed as early as 1667, when
Jean-Baptiste, transfused two pints of blood
from a sheep to a young man
22 Fingernails grow nearly 4 times
faster than toenails! Most dust particles in
your house are made from dead skin!
23 The present population of 5 billion
plus people of the world is predicted to
become 15 billion by 2080.
24 Women blink nearly twice as much as
men.
25 Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian, and
had only ONE testicle.
26
Honey is the only food that does not spoil.
Honey found in the tombs of
Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by
archaeologists and found edible.
27 Months that begin on a Sunday will
always have a "Friday the 13th."
28 Coca-Cola would be green if colouring
weren’t added to it.
29 On average a hedgehog's heart beats
300 times a minute.
30 More people are killed each year from
bees than from snakes.
31 The average lead pencil will draw a
line 35 miles long or write approximately
50,000 English words.
32 More people are allergic to cow's
milk than any other food.
33 Camels have three eyelids to protect
themselves from blowing sand.
34 The placement of a donkey's eyes in
its' heads enables it to see all four feet
at all times!
35The six official languages of the
United Nations are: English, French, Arabic,
Chinese, Russian and Spanish.
36 Earth is the only planet not named
after a god.
37 It's against the law to burp, or
sneeze in a church in Nebraska, USA.
38 You're born with 300 bones, but by
the time you become an adult, you only have
206.
39 Some worms will eat themselves if
they can't find any food!
40 Dolphins sleep with one eye open!
41 It is impossible to sneeze with your
eyes open
42 The worlds oldest piece of chewing
gum is 9000 years old!
43 The longest recorded flight of a
chicken is 13 seconds
44
Queen Elizabeth I regarded herself as a
paragon of cleanliness. She declared that
she bathed once every three months, whether
she needed it or not
45 Slugs have 4 noses.
46 Owls are the only birds who can see
the colour blue.
47 A man named Charles Osborne had the
hiccups for 69 years!
48 A giraffe can clean its ears with its
21-inch tongue!
49 The average person laughs 10 times a
day!
50 An ostrich's eye is bigger than its
brain
